It has been ages since I've blogged. I think the last time I did was in 7th grade, the darkest time in my life. The reason I chose such a dark template for this blog is because the last time I did blog was on my Xanga, which had similar colors. It was actually a cry for help, a secret diary, and an outlet for my anger, hate, and frustration. I decided to name my blogger "I Dare You to Move". Yes, it is the name of a song by Switchfoot. It is also the melody and reminder that God brought me in my times of darkness. It encouraged me to keep moving on, no matter how great the pain seemed at the time. I recently had to write a paper in college on a rite on passage in my life. With this opportunity, I chose to give testimony. Some of you reading might not know what that is, and that's okay. I do hope, however, that you will read on and maybe gain comfort from what I have to offer :)
Many of you have probably already heard this story, but for those of you who have not, here is what was once my deepest darkest secret...
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C.S. Lewis once wrote, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world" (Lewis 106). If what he says is true, then what was I really made for? What is my purpose here? Life just has to be more than merely living to die some day. Finding what it means to truly know, fear, and love God has been the greatest and most wonderful rite of passage in my life, but this privilege of God’s grace really wasn’t a right of mine at all. As I merely was passing through time, He graciously revealed Himself to me. As many would say, I was born into a Christian family. My parents truly love and know the Lord and brought me up in His love and guidance. But this was their God, a God I accepted as truth told by them, and as I got older, the world revealed itself to me. My mind soon set out on its own, on a journey to decide its own beliefs. Was Jesus really the “Way, the Truth, and the Life”? I had to know. My life depended on it.
In third grade, I accepted Christ as my personal Savior in Sunday school, but it wasn’t until the end of middle school and early high school that I truly learned what it meant to be a Christian. I would soon make the distinction between having Christianity merely be the title of religion and it being a lifestyle, a faith, and a relationship more real than any other. Halfway through middle school, my family had to move from Plano, Texas, to St. Louis, Missouri for my dad’s job. It took a huge toll on me, as I had to leave all my friends and all I had ever known. I felt so lonely there in that new house and town. I soon became depressed. I remember feeding myself so many heartbreaking lies such as, “You are ugly, worthless, and unlovable”, and “Life is meaningless, just give up on yourself. You have no hope and no future”. I was constantly under attack from myself, and even worse, by the father of lies himself, Satan. I battled thoughts like these for two whole years, and no one knew. I told no one and showed no signs of struggle. My attire was dark, and my attitude was rebellious. I wanted to give up, to just die.
I cried myself to sleep night after night, pleading for an answer, a way out. I was angry and lost, and in the midst of my darkness, I called out to God even when it seemed like He wasn’t there. In my bitterness I swore and cursed at Him. I cursed the day I was born, screaming into my pillow, “Why God?! Why do you hate me?” But contrary to what I believed at that time, there was no way He could love me any more or less than He already did. For before I even knew Him, He had completely and perfectly loved, created, and pursued me without relent. I had so much anger, so much pride, so much hate, and so much bitterness inside my heart. I had hated and sinned against Him, and yet He still reached out to me with tears of comfort and called to me with words of love and wisdom. What did I do to deserve this? I had done nothing to deserve such grace.
I thought no one could love me, but He still did. Every time I tried to push Him away, He kept coming back for me. It took me a long time, but slowly and surely I finally realized that no matter what I did or where I was in life, He’d still be there to catch me every time I fell. In these hard times, He had used my trials to break and tame my wild heart. He knew exactly who I was and what I so desperately needed. So I called out back to Him, fighting, reaching, and grasping for His hand, His care, and His love. That’s when my pursuit of Him really began. I wanted to know if He was real, if what I was experiencing was true.
As I began to earnestly search for Him through His words, the Bible, I saw a glorious transformation in my life. I finally believed deep down in my heart that God, loving me more than I could ever understand, gave His one and only, perfect Son for me on the cross. Jesus died to take the punishment for my sins, and by God's grace I have been given everlasting life. He chose me as His own, even before time began, to spend eternity with Him in heaven. I know that through Him, and only through Him, can I be redeemed and made right with God. Isaiah 53 says in verses 5-6, "But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the LORD laid on him the sins of us all." Jesus took the punishment of death for all who believe in Him. So with the life He has given me, I am living for Him.
One of my favorite verses is Romans 8:28, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them.” I knew He had brought me to Missouri for a purpose. He became so real to me during those hard times that my faith and walk with Him deepened in incredible ways. He showed me good things I could never have seen before without Him. I knew He had big plans for me, dreams impossible for me to fathom. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him.” He brought me healing in those following years and really spoke to me as I reached out to Him for help. He filled my heart with truth and gave me an identity. He called me beautiful, told me He loved me, and promised to never leave me. I trust in Him with all my heart, as I know His will and dreams for me are bigger than I could ever imagine. I now know that wherever life takes me, I should never forget that in Him I am beautiful, I am wise, and I am loved!
As every year goes by, I grow to know Him more and more. He is changing me and I cannot deny that He is the one who is growing me to into a more humble, graceful, and loving woman of God. I see now that He had great plans for me the year I moved to St. Louis, and without Him I would not be here today. I would have given up on life and missed out on all the wonderful things He has blessed me with. Having gone through these trials, God has given me the opportunity to share my testimony of faith with others who have struggled with that same kind of loneliness. I have given my testimony at camps, in front of audiences, and to my friends. I have had people come up to me and thank me for saving their lives! Some people tell me it gave them courage just hearing me talk about something they could never talk about themselves and to hear that there is hope in a God that never leaves us. The funny thing is it really isn’t me who saved them at all; it was God. This is His story and I am just so privileged to be a part of it.
I am in awe of God’s incredible grace to me and to all of us. I do believe He is the holy triune God of the Bible. He is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. I believe that He is good in all His ways, constant in all His promises, and sovereign in all His decisions. He is love and He is just. He is my Creator and delights in my relationship with Him. He is my closest friend and dearest heavenly Father. He is my Comforter and my Redeemer. He knows me best and I put my hope and faith in Him daily.
My God is so good to me and just as Paul had written in Philippians 1:20-21, “I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." I am no longer afraid of death, for I know that the One who holds the universe, also holds my heart. I now rejoice, as I faithfully await the day that I will see and live with Him in heaven, the world I was truly created for.
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So now, I dare you to move. I dare you to tell others your testimony, and I dare those of you who have ever felt the way I had before, not to give up. Know that you don't have to do this alone. Please please please, tell somebody, anybody. Even if you don't believe that there is a God, please give Him a chance. Just don't give up. I promise you, you were made for so much more.
God, thanks for never giving up on me, even when I had... This life is more than I could have ever asked for :)
